


nothing is linear (but i wish this was)

by x_oikawa_kinnie_x



Series: Captain Squad Poly [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anorexia Nervosa, Bokuto Koutarou is a Good Significant Other, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Depressed Kuroo Tetsurou, Eating Disorder, Hospitals, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Kuroo Tetsurou is a Good Significant Other, Kuroo Tetsurou-centric, M/M, Multi, Oikawa Tooru is a Good Significant Other, Overdose, Oxycodone, Post-Time Skip, Sawamura Daichi is a Good Significant Other, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Ushijima Wakatoshi is a Good Significant Other, Violent Thoughts, implied/referenced eating disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 00:02:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27475456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/x_oikawa_kinnie_x/pseuds/x_oikawa_kinnie_x
Summary: Tetsurou was fine. He was just tired."I'm fine, just tired."A line that's said a lot, and heard a lot, but is almost never true.~Takes place before "what happens when you put five ex-volleyball-players in one bed"
Relationships: Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou, Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou/Oikawa Tooru/Sawamura Daichi/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou/Sawamura Daichi, Bokuto Koutarou/Oikawa Tooru, Bokuto Koutarou/Sawamura Daichi, Bokuto Koutarou/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Kuroo Tetsurou/Oikawa Tooru, Kuroo Tetsurou/Sawamura Daichi, Kuroo Tetsurou/Ushijima Wakatoshi, Oikawa Tooru/Ushijima Wakatoshi
Series: Captain Squad Poly [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2003380
Comments: 11
Kudos: 224





	nothing is linear (but i wish this was)

**Author's Note:**

> read the tags if you haven't already, this is heavy and Kuroo is not healthy and is showing extreme disordered behavior. also if any of you feel how he feels you can always message me.

Tetsurou was tired. He was just tired. The business man was fine, just tired. That’s all he said all day, even though he wasn’t sure if it was true.

He had fallen asleep deep into the night, or was it early in the morning? He didn’t bother looking at the clock before flopping down into the bed in the guest room. All he knew was that his boyfriends were asleep, and that it would be too much work to try and join them without waking up at least one.

He woke up late, and alone. His phone was on eighteen percent, his socks weren’t matching and his button-down from the previous day was wrinkled to hell and back.

“Hello Kuroo-san!” Haruka smiles. She sat next to him at work, and he could tell that she tidied up his desk for him. “I didn’t know if you were going to show - boss was furious that you didn’t call in.”

“I’ll shoot him an email,” Tetsurou sighs. His head felt heavy and his thoughts kept jumping around, weighing on his brow.

_ You’ll be fired. Should have charged your phone. They didn’t bother to wake you up - they probably forgot. You’re useless. uselessuselessuselessuselessuselessuselessuseless- _

“Are you okay?” Her smile dims, and her brows creased with worry.

_ messedupmessedupmessedup- _

“Yes,” Tetsurou smirks. “Just tired.”

She smiles again.”Late night?”

“Ha,” Tetsurou fights to keep his face from dropping. “You should know, we’re after the same position.”

“Well, let’s see who gets it first.”

~

_ Do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it do it- _

Tetsurou puts the knife down and goes to the bathroom, abandoning his lunch. Why didn’t he remember to pack a homemade one instead of having to buy one of those cheap ones?

He looks at himself in the mirror. Tetsurou could get through this day, he could, and he needs to.

_ Why do you need to? _

He needs to because he doesn’t want to worry his boyfriends.

_ They don’t care. _

They do.

_ They don’t. _

Tetsurou wasn’t going to stand there and argue with his brain. He has work to do.

~

“Kuroo-san, my office,” the boss calls. Haruka places a gentle hand on his arm, and he just shakes his head.

He walks towards his bosses office, and makes sure he doesn’t make a fool of himself and trip or anything. “You asked for me?”

“Yes, yes, please come in,” Fujiwara calls. His boss.

“My apologies for being late this morning,” Tetsurou says as he enters.

“That’s actually why I wanted to talk to you.”  _ you’ll be fired for this one.  _ “Are you okay? It’s not like you to come in late, and frankly I’m concerned about one of my best workers.”

Tetsurou has to remember that Fujiwara isn’t as mean as he looks. The raven-haired man places his practiced smirk on his face, and says his best line in his whole act. “Yes sir, I’m fine, just tired after a late night.”

“Out with your partner?”

“Working on something for you, actually,” Tetsurou kisses up. He wasn’t going to sugarcoat it. 

“Oh? After a promotion I assume?”

“While that is one reason, I’d like you to look over the document I’ve been working on.”

_ Kill him. _

Tetsurou blinks.

“And what is this document about?”

_ Stab his eye out with the pen. _

“You see sir, there’s a local volleyball team that has been growing more and more popular, that we have under our belt.”

_ Snap his neck. _

“I’m listening.”

Tetsurou gulps audibly, and he can feel a bead of sweat drip down his temple.

Something is wrong.

“The MSBY Jackals and the Schedweiden Adlers have a rivalry, and on these teams are some of the best high school ace’s.”

“We have a supervisor working with the MSBY Jackals, so this is interesting news.”

“Yes, we do-”  _ slam your head into the desk  _ “-and I have a connection to someone from highschool who was interested in sponsoring them.”

_ Break your fingers  _

“Who?”

Tetsurou gulps again. He digs his thumb nail into the side of his index finger. “Kozume Kenma-”

“Why, he’s famous! This is excellent news Kuroo-san! Please send me this document and contact Kozume-san immediately!” Fujiwara stands up to shake Tetsurou’s hand, before pausing. “Is something the matter, Kuroo-san?”

“Sir, I will be sure to turn in those documents,” Tetsurou promises. “But I feel as though I am coming down with something and was wondering if I could work from home for these next few days.”

“Kuroo-san, get us this deal with Kozume and you’ll be seeing a promotion! As long as I can hold you to your words I am happy to let you work from home,” Fujiwara nods.

“Thank you, sir,” Tetsurou bows, and takes his leave.

He makes his way home, mind storming.

~

“Tetsu?” Koutarou asks. “You’re home early.”

The former captain nods, and takes off his shoes. He drops everything before falling into the couch.

“Is something the wrong muffin?” Koutarou asks. The spiker places a gentle hand on his boyfriend's head.

“I’m fine, just tired.”

He feels the hand tense in his hair, and curses silently to himself. Of course he couldn’t get past his boyfriend.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” he moves so he’s facing the worried spiker. “I’m okay, I just asked to work from home.”

Koutarou’s eyes bore into Tetsurou, looking for deeper meaning behind those words, before he sighs. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

~

“Hey muscleman- Tetsurou!” Tooru beams as he walks into the house, making a beeline for the raven-haired man. “What’re you doing here alleycat?”

Tetsurou smiles softly as Tooru makes himself comfortable in his boyfriend's side, looking at Tetsurou’s laptop.

“I wasn’t feeling well so I’m working from home for the next few days,” Tetsurou explains.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, just tired.” shit.

Tooru tenses up against the business man, before wrapping his arms around one of Tetsurou. “Yeah?”

“I’m okay, Tooru.”

The setter pauses, running the words over in his brain, searching for deeper meaning. Finally he speaks. “Don’t over-work yourself.”

“I won’t baby.”

~

Wakatoshi and Daichi arrive at the same time, while Tetsurou is on the phone with his childhood friend.

“Kenma, I just need you to send an email- yes! It has to be an email, you’re not texting my boss!” Tetsurou pauses before groaning. “Kenma, please, I will even write the email for you stating exactly what you- oh my gosh that’s literally all you have to- did you just hang up on me?!”

Kenma did, in fact, hang up on Tetsurou.

“Having trouble?” Daichi chuckles, walking over to the taller man.

“Yes, I don’t know what’s so hard about all of this for him, he’s literally a CEO of a billion dollar company, and yet he hates emails,” Tetsurou sighs. Daichi’s brow creases in worry.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, just tired.”

“Tetsu-”

“Dai,” Tetsurou looks into the shorter man's eyes. “I’m okay.”

Once again he gets away with not telling the whole truth.

~

Wakatoshi doesn’t ask questions often, he doesn’t usually have to. Usually he only asks Tooru questions, so Tooru feels in control of the situation. He was intelligent, but wasn’t good at staying focused on anything other than his lovers or volleyball for too long.

That’s why Tetsurou sat with his tallest boyfriend in the guest bedroom after dinner. Wakatoshi had pulled him aside and sat him down. Gently, the former ace pulled his boyfriend to his side.

“Tetsurou.”

That’s when Tetsurou feels everything concave. He broke into sobs, hands coming up to tug on his own hair. His head felt so heavy, and he was thinking about everything but his thoughts weren’t being put into words. He could only feel. Feel how his lungs hurt with the lack of air entering his body, feel his throat hitch as he sobbed. He felt his heartstrings tug and tighten, as though about to break. He felt weak, and useless. He felt as though he messed up. He felt violent but gentle. He felt like an oxymoron, going against itself in a hypocritical way.

He felt the warm arm circled around his middle and the thick thighs pressed up against his own. He felt a gentle rumble coming from the man beside him.

“You’re going to be good, you are good, you’re amazing.”

“I’m not perfect.”

The words he’s never, ever said, but have always plagued his thoughts. 

Wakatoshi tightened his grip on the smaller man, mind playing a different scene, imagining a different body. He almost jumps when he feels a phantom of sharp ribs stabbing into his arms through his boyfriend's shirt.

Wakatoshi had heard those words a thousand times, and they always broke his heart.

“You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be you.”

The words that he always said in an attempt to heal that break.

“You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be you.”

“Bu-”

“No. You don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be you.”

Tetsurou’s mind pauses, and his limbs go stiff. He sniffs and attempts to hold back sobs as he goes over the words in his head. He knows that those words alone are helping to balance the chemicals in his brain. That he is going to be incredibly stable - at least for a few hours - after this.

“Wakatoshi.”

“Tetsurou.”

“I’m not perfect.”

“You don’t have to be.”

“Who is perfect?” Tetsurou knew that this question had no answer, but there were words in his brain saying  _ Tooru Tooru Tooru Tooru  _ even though it was far from the truth.

“Objectively? No one. To me? You, Daichi, Tooru, and Koutarou. You’re all perfect to me.”

Tetsurou looked up at the man beside him. “You think that I am perfect?”

“Far from it, but that is a good thing.”

Tetsurou blinks away his tears, and blinks away the thoughts.

_ He’s lying _

Blink

_ Snap his neck _

Blink

_ He hates you _

Blink

Blink

Blink

Blink

Blink

“I don’t need to be perfect.”

“No, you don’t.”

“I just need to be Tetsurou.”

Wakatoshi smiles, and places a gentle kiss to Tetsurou’s lips. “I love you exactly how you are. How you are now, how you were yesterday, and how you were last week. I love you exactly how you’ve always been.”

Tetsurou leans back down into Waktoshi’s chest. Part of him doesn’t want to believe him.

Wakatoshi wasn’t there for the hospital visits. The repeated ones. He wasn’t there when Daichi and Koutarou only stayed because they were scared about what would happen if they left. He wasn’t there when Daichi and Koutarou were screaming, lifting him up so he could breathe. Wakatoshi wasn’t there when Koutarou found him on the kitchen floor. He wasn’t there when Daichi cried as he pulled Tetsurou’s limp body from the bathtub. He wasn’t there when Tetsurou cried, trying to get the red off of the carpet. Wakatoshi wasn’t there to find Tetsurou’s arm wide open. Wakatoshi wasn’t there to find him the first time.

But Daichi and Koutarou weren’t either. It was Kozume who Tetsurou saw through blurry and spotted vision.

It doesn’t matter now, because they were together now. It doesn’t matter because Wakatoshi was here now.

“I love you.”

“I love you too, Tetsurou.”

~

It, unfortunately, did not end there. Tetsurou woke up in an empty bed, and had lunch in the fridge. His boyfriends had all texted him separately to tell him that they would head home the moment he asked. He sighed and buried his head back in the pillows.

_ They’re just scared you’ll off yourself _

_ They don’t care about you, it’s the money _

_ It’s the guilt _

_ They won’t really care if you die. _

Tetsurou shook his head and sat down on the couch with his laptop and coffee. He opened his email to see that his boss was giving him paid vacation time, along with a promotion. He smiled, but his chest still felt tight. He knew that he should be more happy than this, but there was something stopping it. He sighs and stands up, shaking his head. He walks to the bathroom.

He grips his toothbrush tightly as he scrubs hard. His gums will be bleeding, but at least it’s not his arms. That’s what he tells himself for the next eight minutes. Finally, he puts down his toothbrush and opens the cabinet to grab the mouthwash.

His eyes catch on the orange prescription bottle.

_ Down it. _

It’s oxycodone.

_ Take them all. _

It’s for Tooru’s knee.

_ He can get more _

Tooru doesn’t want him dead.

_ You don’t know that. _

Tooru doesn’t want him dead.

_ He does. _

Tooru doesn’t want him dead.

_ He’s perfect, and you don’t deserve him _

Tooru doesn’t want him dead

_ He’s too good for you _

Tooru doesn’t want him dead

_ You don’t deserve him _

Tooru doesn’t want him dead

_ He’s sick of you _

Tooru doesn’t want him dead

_ You’re just dirt under his shoe _

Tooru-

_ Die- _

Tooru-

_ Die- _

Tooru-

_ Die- _

Tooru-

_ Wants you dead. _

Tooru  _ wants him dead. _

~

“Sorry, it’s my boyfriend,” Koutarou smiles, making Sakusa roll his eyes. Koutarou answers the phone anyways. “Hey darlin- darling?”

“K-Kou-”

Koutarou walks away from the group. “Why are you crying.”

“K-Koutarou-”

“Tetsu, what’s wrong?” Koutarou has a bad feeling in his chest, and his mind is running a mile a minute.

“Oxycodone.”

Koutarou’s eyes grow wide. “Tetsu, Tetsu how many, how many did you take?”

“Three hundred milligrams,” Tetsurou rushes.

Of course he calculated the dosage, but it helps. “Who else did you call?”

“You.”

“Besides me.”

“Just Kou-”

“Tetsurou I need you to hang up and call Daichi.”

“Ko-koutarou.”

“Yes darling?”

“I messed up.”

“It’s okay darling.”

“But you have Tooru.”

“That doesn’t matter, because we won’t have you.”

“You don’t want me.”

Koutarou starts to cry. “I do, we all do, and Daichi wants you to call him.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah darling.”

“Okay.”

And the call ends. Koutarou calls the police.

“Tokyo Police Department.”

“My boyfriend just took three hundred milligrams of oxycodone.”

~

Daichi was on lunch when his phone began to ring. He see’s ‘Tetsurou’ flash across the screen and smiles. “Hi darling-”

“Kou-Koutarou said you wanted me to call you,” Tetsurou was either crying or laughing. Or both.

Daichi’s face drops slightly. “I always love it when you call me during my lunch breaks.”

“That’s funny.”

“Why is that, darling?” Daichi smiles.

“Because you have Kou!” Tetsurou was definitely crying. “You don’t need me.”

“I disagree.”

“Too late now.”

Daichi blinks, eyes growing wide. “Tetsurou, what do you mean?”

“Well, as a scientist!” Tetsurou laugh/sobs again. “I should have been a scientist.”

“Why is it too late Tetsu?”

“I think three hundred milligrams of oxycodone can kill someone.”

“Darling-”

“Yes?”

“- did you take three hundred milligrams of oxycodone?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I don’t remember.”

Daichi’s phone buzzes.

**Kou <3**

< the ambulance is on the way. Keep him on the phone.

Daichi’s eyes start watering.

“Tetsurou, how are you feeling?”

“Funny; I can’t feel my legs.”

“I can’t imagine that being fun.”

“You were so worried last time I did this.”

“I’m worried now.”

“It’s okay, you can just have me cremated.”

“That’s not what I’m worried about.”

“You don’t have to feel guilty either,” Tetsurou sobs. “It’s not your fault.”

“Also not what I’m worried about.”

“Hah?” Tetsurou sounds confused at the statement. “Then why?”

“Because I don’t want to lose you.”

There’s a pause.

“But you don’t want me.”

Daichi starts crying. “I’ve always wanted you darling, I love you so much.”

“I love you, Daichi.”

Daichi sobs as he hears the paramedics enter the room. They take the phone from Tetsurou’s numb hand and the call ends.

Daichi breaks down in the staff room, right beside the lunch he no longer wants to eat.

~

“Ushiwaka, you can’t seriously love corn that much!” Tooru snorts. The spiker smiles.

“I do,” He replies. “I could have it for every meal.”

“You’d lose muscle,” Tooru laughs. “Besides that’s not enough calories.”

“I don’t want to talk about the calories, I want to talk about how you like your corn.”

“I don’t like corn, Ushiwaka,” Tooru can’t keep the laugh out of his words. “It’s-”

Wakatoshi’s phone goes off, and he looks troubled by the caller. “Koutarou.”

Tooru isn’t close enough to listen well, but he catches a few words.

“Tetsurou… hospital… three hundred… Tooru… Daichi knows…”

Wakatoshi says goodbye and hangs up. “Tooru, we’re going to the hospital.”

The setter doesn’t ask any questions as they start off for their destination.

~

When Tetsurou wakes up there’s warm pressure on either side of him, and he can hear light sobbing. He opens his eyes to a bright room, and he can hear high-pitched beeping. He looks towards the sobbing and sees Daichi, grasping his hand tightly.

“Daichi?” he asks, voice hoarse.

The cop looks up, and smiles. “I love you Tetsurou,” He says, standing and kissing him, before cradling the raven’s head. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too, but can I please get water?”

Daichi pulls away and nods, pulling a water bottle from his bag. “Here.” They’re silent for a moment as Daichi watches his boyfriend drink. “Why did you try again?”

“I don’t know.”

“We should have picked up on it.”

“You did.”

Daichi knows that. He knows that he did as much as he could without causing more damage. “I love you.”

“I love you.”

“Too.”

Tetsurou smiles sadly. “I love you too.”

“I love you so much.”

“I know.”

“I love you hair, I love your stupid laugh, I love your hands, your work ethic, I love how much you know about science and chemicals, I love that you’re a nerd,” Tetsurou begins to cry. “I love how you sleep, I love cuddling with you when I’m cold, I love cuddling you whenever.” The cop cups Tetsurou’s cheek. “And I love that you’re here with me, with us.”

“I don’t know how.”

“Because you’re you.”

Tetsurou sobs as Daichi stands up to hold him. A nurse walks in.

“When did he wake up?”

“About four minutes ago.”

“Is he fully conscious?”

“Yes.”

“Has he had water?”

“Yes.”

“Okay,” she smiles. “I’ll mark him stabilized! Do you want us to feed him now or would you like to wait until he’s signed out?”

“One of us will go get food soon,” Daichi assures. The nurse gives a thumbs up and walks away.

“I don’t want to eat in the hospital.”

Daichi laughs.

~

“Tetsu,” Tooru started crying the moment he woke up. “Tetsu.”

The raven opens his arms for the setter to crawl into, and Tooru takes the offer. “I’m okay.”

“Why?” Tooru sobs. “Why would you try leaving us?”

“I don’t think I was in the right mind.”

Tooru clutches at his boyfriend's arms. “You shouldn’t have pushed us away.”

“I know, and I’m sorry,” Tetsurou sighs. “I love you.”

“I love you more.”

“Are you su-”

“There is no argument, I win,” Tooru says, kissing Tetsurou’s collarbone. No one misses the movement of the setters hands reaching up to touch his own prominent collarbone.

“You win.”

Wakatoshi places a kiss on the top of Tetsurou’s head. “You scared us, darling.”

“I’m sorry,” Tetsurou sighs. His head was starting to feel heavy. “I’m sure it was stressful.”

“I just don’t want to have to live without you,” Wakatoshi states. “You’re one of five thingsin my life that bring me joy.”

_ Tooru’s on that list. At the very top. _

There it was.

“I hate this,” Tetsurou says, eyes watering. “Any time any of you speak my brain just tells me that someone else is better.”

Daichi sits on the bed next to Tetsurou and Tooru. “Is that why you said that I’d be okay because I had Kou?”

“I said that?” Tetsurou asks.

_ It’s true. _

“Yeah, I was trying to keep you conscious but you just kept telling me that it’d be okay, that it’d be less money to do one thing rather than the other,” Daichi sighs. “Even though I was just more worried about losing you.”

_ How can you be worried about losing something so worthless? _

_ You deserve to be alone. _

_ Who needs you when they have Tooru and Koutarou? _

_ You’re useless. _

Tetsurou grabs his head. “I hate it, I hate it.”

Tooru gently pulled Tetsurou’s hands from his face, the setter was smiling softly. “It’s okay, you’re not alone”

_ Alone _

_ Alone _

_ You’re alone. _

_ You’re worthless. _

_ You’re never going to be perfect. _

“Tetsu, you’re not alone,” Tooru repeats. The raven can feel Daichi place a kiss on top of his head.

Tetsurou breaks down crying in the hospital room, his boyfriends there to hold him and wipe away his tears.

~

The human brain is made up of neurons and chemicals. These chemicals are constantly struggling to stay balanced, and when one chemical is produced too much it can over power other chemicals. To get rid of the extra supplies that are messing up the balance the human body will cry. These tears will be made up of water, salt, and whatever chemical needs to be removed. Different types of tears will look different than others. This is just how the human brain works.

When you cry because of these chemicals, it’s often the only thing you can feel while crying. That’s Tetsurou’s problem.

The chemicals in his brain are so unbalanced that unless he cries they will take over his very being. He feels grief, loneliness and sadness due to an overproduction of the chemicals responsible.

“I recommend you take time off of work and do something fun,” The doctor says while they’re signing papers. “Don’t push yourself too hard, we did have to pump your stomach, but I would say go to an amusement park, or go to your favorite restaurant. Have an… exciting night if you understand what I mean.”

Tetsurou knows Daichi is smirking from across the room. “I understand.”

“Just turn in those papers and you’ll be free to go,” The doctor smiles as he leaves the room.”

“So-”

“Daichi, I know exactly what you’re about to say.”

“Having sex would be a good idea,” Wakatoshi says. Tooru starts laughing. “Doesn’t intercourse release chemicals into the brain that make you happy?”

Tetsurou hates that Wakatoshi remembered that. “Yes, but I’m really not in the mood today.”

“That could change, or be fixed,” Koutarou winks. “But I say we go with the restaurant thing, we haven’t gone out in a while.”

“He has a point,” Tooru says. Tetsurou is so glad that the one demisexual of their group is here. “We could go to the restaurant and if Kou and Daichi are still stuck up on having sex Tetsurou and I could sleep in the guest room.”

“No,” Daichi states. “No one is sleeping in the guest room, so if we still want sex we can deal with it.”

“Okay,” Tetsurou sighs. “How about we go out to eat for dinner.”

  
  


~

At the restaurant things are more stressful than they figured it would be. First off, the hostess refuses to seat them, and they have to speak to her supervisor to be seated. Then, they were seated in the corner with barely any movement space. They requested a different table and it took them another 20 minutes of arguing with the hostess and speaking with the supervisor. Finally they were seated in an area where they would all fit, wouldn’t get injured, and weren’t anxious. Tetsurou was exhausted by the time they ordered.

“This was not what we wanted,” Daichi sighs as he sees Tetsurou lay his head on Koutarou’s shoulder. “I’m sorry Tetsurou.”

“It’s okay,” He replies quietly. “At least we’re not in the hospital and at least we’re all here.”

Daichi’s heart swells as he smiles at his boyfriend's words. However, part of him felt like Tetsurou still wasn’t telling the whole truth. “Tetsu, are they intrusive?”

Tooru and Wakatoshi look to the raven in confusion as he nods. “They’ve been like that for a while.”

“You should have told us,” Koutarou mutters. 

“Can you say them?” Daichi asks.

“Hold on, can you explain?” Tooru cuts in.

“I often have intrusive thoughts, and it’s usually what causes me to spiral,” Tetsurou explains. “They’re very convincing.”

They’re silent for a moment. “Can you say them?” Daichi repeats.

“Stab him with the fork,” Tetsurou says. Tooru tenses up, and Wakatoshi is quick to place his hand on Tooru’s thigh. “You could break the glass and stab yourself with it.” Tooru’s eyes start to water. “I wonder what it will be like to eat glass.”

“Unpleasant.” Tooru answers immediately. Tetsurou looks up.

“Tooru wants you dead.”

“I don’t.”

“He’s lying.”

“I’m not.”

Tetsurou’s eyes grow wide and he doesn’t speak up, still maintaining eye contact with Tooru.

“I never thought about replying to them,” Daichi says. “Did it help?”

Tetsurou nods. “It was like I won the argument for once.”

“Are they always like that?” Wakatoshi asks.

“Sometimes, but I often get them about hurting other people and about breaking things,” Tetsurou replies. “A lot of the times it’s snapping people’s necks.”

“That’s gruesome,” Wakatoshi states.

“It is,” Tetsurou nods. “Once again, they’re usually the cause of my attempts and self harm.”

Tooru leans his head on Wakatoshi’s shoulder. “I understand, I also get thoughts like that.”

“Intrusive ones?”

“I guess,” Tooru sighs. “But they’re usually the same thing over and over again.” The setter picks at the roll on his plate.

“Like what?” Koutarou asks.

Tooru points at the roll. “Two hundred.”

“Two hundred what?” Daichi asks.

Wakatoshi speaks up for him. “Calories; Tooru has over four hundred foods memorized and their calories content.”

“Oh my god,” Koutarou’s eyes widened. “That’s not healthy.”

“Trust me, I know,” Tooru laughs. “A drip has one thousand, five hundred calories.”

“A drip?” Tetsurou asks.

“A food drip, for people with eating disorders,” Wakatoshi explains.

It goes quiet. “Is that why it’s hard for you to eat Tooru?” Koutarou asks.

“Yeah, but I also get sick if I eat too much,” Tooru smiles sadly.

“People with anorexia nervosa have an entire part of their brain shut off, the one that equates happiness with eating,” Tetsurou says. “I learnt that with Kenma.”

“This is a little depressing,” Tooru laughs. Tetsurou starts laughing too.

“I think it’s worse that we’re used to it,” the raven adds. The two dissolve into a fit of giggles that make the others smile.

“It’s weird to think that you two have  _ this  _ in common despite both of you being science nerds,” Daichi retorts.

“We are two very different types of science nerds though,” Tooru laughs.

“There are many fields in science, you know,” Tetsurou giggles. “I’m a chemical scientist.”

“And I’m a space scientist.”

“Neither of you are scientists,” Wakatoshi chuckles. “But you’re our chemist and astronaut.”

“My chemist,” Koutarou jokes.

“Well, if that’s how we’re playing it-” Daichi grabs Tetsurou and Tooru’s hands. “They’re my astronaut and chemist”

“Nuh-uh, I already claimed Tetsu,” Koutarou says childishly.

“Then Tooru is still my astronaut!” Daichi replies, in the same tone.

“Does that make Daichi my cop and Koutarou my ace?” Wakatoshi asks. Mentioned males both grow red, making the other three laugh.

~

“Tetsu?” Tooru was behind the raven, while he brushed his teeth. Tetsurou hums in acknowledgment. “I love you.”

Tetsurou spits out his toothpaste and turns to kiss his boyfriend. “I love you too.”

“I don’t want you to die.” 

“Then I won't.”

**Author's Note:**

> follow my insta: @/ x.oikawa_kinnie.x  
> I'm taking requests! <3


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